Let the veil down

I keep this journal friends-only for many, many reasons. There a a few public posts, but mostly, it's all blather.

Please comment if you add me. And don't be offended if I don't add you back. I take my LJ friendships very seriously and put forth a lot of effort to maintain them.

I'm leaving in seven days. My house is halfway packed, and I'm starting to say good-bye to many of my friends.

Leaving isn't easy. This has been my home for 21 years, and I haven't lived anywhere since I arrived in 1991.

Saying good-bye has been awful. And I still have so many others left. Old friends, new friends, friends who have changed my life and friends who have inspired me to take this next step in my life.

I am ready to go, but I'm not ready to leave, if that makes any sense.

I'm leaving my home. My friends. My family. I'm cutting the cord and am getting out of this place. I'm going to find me.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

This has been one whirlwind of a summer, and there's still four weeks left. I don't think I've ever had such a busy summer. Between roller derby events, my sister's wedding and Violet being out of school, I haven't had a free weekend to relax since July started. And the fall doesn't look much better, as I don't have another free weekend until October.

In May (which is technically spring, but in Alabama, it's so hot it might as well be summer), I kicked things off with a week in Vegas for Marsha's wedding. I came home for a couple of days then immediately went to the lake for Violet's 13th birthday. I came home that Sunday and headed up to Birmingham to watch the Birmingham Tragic City Rollers okay Auburn's Burn City Rollers.

June wasn't so bad. Matt worked nights, an I started working from home full-time. To compensate for the boredom, I skated a lot at nights and spent my weekends hanging out with friends in Montgomery.

The insanity started in July. During the 4th of July weekend, Matt, Violet and I went to the lake with my best friend Marsha and her husband, Greg. That was the same weekend Charles was in his accident, so I spent all week in the ICU waiting room. He was released on Friday, and Friday night, I went to New Orleans to skate in the NOLA Bulls festivities.

The following weekend, my derby team hosted a mixed scrimmage, and all proceeds went to the A-Skate foundation, a group that teaches Autistic children to skateboard. We had skaters from Birmingham's TCR, Jackson's Magnolia Roller Vixens and Okaloosa's OK Rollers, ad we split up into two teams, Pirates versus Ninjas. I skated with the Ninjas, and we won.

The next weekend, I drove back to Birmingham to volunteer as a non-skating official for TCR's bout against Mobile's Torpedo Bay Rollers. The final score was something like 405-10. To say TCR slaughtered Mobile is a vast understatement.

Last weekend, Matt and I drove to Nashville so I could help my sister with her wedding. We bought silk flowers and made her bouquets and got the stuff so I could make her veil. I did a little (a lot) of shopping and enjoyed seeing my sister's new house.

Right now, Matt and I are on our way to Birmingham to pick up Violet, who has been in Coco Beach with my dad since early July. I've missed her so much, but she only gets to see my dad once a year, so she wanted to stay for more than her usual two weeks. We are going to do some shopping in Birmingham so she can get some clothes for school, which starts next Monday. Tomorrow, I'm taking her to Auburn so she can spend the night with Marsha, who is taking her to Six Flags in Atlanta on Monday.

Next weekend, I head to Knoxville, AK to play the Hard Knox B-team. We are going to get our asses handed to us, since their A-team is amazing, but I expect to learn quite a bit.

The following weekend, I am going back to Nashville for my sister's bachelorette party.

The next weekend, August 27th, I'm back in Birmingham for a sidewalk film festival, where a documentary about TCR will premiere.

Then for Labor Day weekend, Matt, Violet and I will either go to the lake or to the beach.

The next weekend, we drive down to Mobile for my sister's wedding on a cruise. We will sail throughout Mexico for the next week and will cone back the following weekend.

The third weekend in September, my team is hosting a home bout where we play TCR's b-team.

The fourth weekend, Charles' wife, Grace, and I are going to Atlanta to see Wicked and do some shopping. Ikea! H&M! Little 5 Points! It's going to be intense.

I'll be home to relax the first weekend in October, but the next weekend, Matt and I are headed to Hawaii for an all-expense paid trip, thanks to my job. They have their annual President's Club there every year for their top 10% employees, and this year, I've been chosen to go. I am so excited! Since this is a new company for me, this will be my first time meeting a lot of our executives and upper management.

The rest of October is unplanned, although I'm sure I'll be visiting Birmingham for a bout and will have Halloween parties for my team and the Fitzgerald museum.

As busy as all of this is, this is the life I've always wanted. I'm traveling and spending time with people I love. Life doesn't get much better than this.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Roller derby is starting to feel like my secret lover. I keep trying to pull myself away from it, but the more I resist, the more I miss it. Instead of abstaining, I end up getting closer and closer to it. And the more I try to avoid it, the stronger the appeal becomes.

I had very legitimate reasons for pulling back. Being an officer for my old team drained me of everything I had in me. My president was, well, a bitch, and she exhausted everyone around her. I don't regret closing out that team, but I do regret the way I went about it.

The new team was tough in the beginning. The president and I were close friends, but she turned on me. I almost quit but decided to stick with it because of my derby wife and my coach. I took a three month break because of my job, and when I came back, I swore I would just be a skater and wouldn't get involved with the politics. But then we had our first bout, and everyone was clueless on how to plan. So I told the officers I would help, but only for that one bout. I would show them the ropes so they could do it on their own the next time. But every bout after, I kept getting sucked in. We got a new president, and I made amends with the old one. The team started looking to me as a leader and began trusting me. The last two bouts, I've been the team captain because I know the rules and am certainly not afraid to call a timeout to argue a bad call with the refs.

When Coach was injured, I did everything I could to take care of him. I've practically lived with him and his wife over the last month. I think that showed a lot of the girls exactly what derby is supposed to be. It's not just a sport we play for fun. It's a family, and we take care of each other, on and off the track.

Over the last six months, I've fallen in love with the sport itself. With the old team, I loved the girls. I loved the emotional aspect of being on a team. But I sucked at actually playing. I couldn't lay a good hit on someone if my life depended on it.

But I've gotten so much better. Coach was working with me a lot, teaching me to put more power in my stride so I can execute dynamite shoulder blocks. I can now hip block and send jammers flying. Girls who used to terrify me are now telling me that I scare them.

How can I pull back now? Not only have I fallen in love with my team, I have fallen in love with myself as a skater. I came back to derby in December so I could find Zelda. Instead, I found Heather.

Last week, a couple of the officers asked me if I will consider running for secretary next month. They wanted me to run for treasurer, but part of the drama in the beginning involved some people thinking I stole money from the old team (even though I provided bank statements and financials proving that every dime was accounted for). I refuse to handle money because I don't want those suspicions to follow me.

I'm scared to get too involved again. I don't want to place derby before my family, like I did with the old team. I hate that my husband thought that I loved it more than him. And I don't want to be stabbed in the back again.

The only difference I can see in myself this time around is that I'm no longer afraid of people. My job has taught me a lot about the benefits of confrontation, and now, whenever I hear people buzzing with gossip, I tell them that they either need to take it to the board or shut up. I'm certainly not afraid to tell someone to man up and quit acting like little girls. If we want to be taken seriously as athletes, we have to stop the girl-on-girl hate.

Coach told me yesterday that he's moving to Texas in December, and my heart is breaking. I'm going to miss him terribly as a friend, but I know it's for the best for him and his wife. But I'm scared the team won't survive. Everyone loves him, and when he goes, we have to have a strong, neutral leader step up to the plate.

Maybe I'm not that person. The team may not want me. But I can step up and run. If that's what I want to do. I tried talking to Matt about it, but, as usual, he just nodded his head and told me to do whatever. I asked him if he would be jealous of my time, and he said no. But I'm not convinced because he denies being jealous before. I don't want derby to hurt my marriage. But at this point, I can't afford to not do it. I love this sport. I love hitting girls and getting hit back. I love knowing that my jammer just scored because I made a hole in the pack for her to get through. I love looking at video footage of me skating and basking in the pride because, dammit, I'm strong!

Until my body forces me to stop, I am going to keep going. I'm not treating derby like my mistress anymore. Whether I run for office or I continue acting like I have the authority of one, I'm not giving up. I might end up with shattered knees and a titanium hip, but at least I will be able to rest at night knowing that for once, I didn't settle for what was convenient. I'll have done something I wanted to do simply because I wanted to do it.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Lauren just called to tell me that the ice storm hit her house pretty badly, and she has been without power for the last few days. She and Frank are both fine, as they have a wood-burning stove to keep them warm. Lauren had stored bottles of water in her pantry, and Frank was able to go out today to get food and more water.

They will probably be out of power until early next week. They have had some trees fall, and she asked us to pray, as there is a tree that looks as it may fall on the house.

Please keep Frank and Lauren in your prayers! She will call me when she has any more updates.

Thanks, guys!

I think Sasha is pregnant.

My mom kept her while we were at the beach (both times). I didn't know mom's new Chihuahua isn't fixed. Sasha's tummy is a little swollen, and she won't lay down on it anymore.

I'm gonna have Chorkie puppies. What in the world am I going to do?

She was rolling around on the couch, and Matt said it was because she wanted her hair to look like mine. It worked!

Me ...



Sasha ...

I just deleted another ranty post about my health. But instead of whining, I'll just say that because of my stomach problems, I'm going to try my very best to cut out meat/dairy/eggs from my diet. I'll consume as many free-range products as possible, as they come from animals who aren't fed hormones and antibiotics. (Antibiotics are especially evil for me, since my doctor believes my problems stem from antibiotics killing the good bacteria in my colon.) I'm not going to be legalistic about this. Matt's family is here, and his uncle brought steaks for dinner. I wasn't going to hurt his feelings by declining dinner.

Today was a pretty good day. I've been really tired all day, but that's probably because I attended a work function last night and stayed up late talking.

I took my last hormone pill today. The bleeding has stopped, thankfully. But I've been kinda out of it. Hopefully, that will change now that I'm done with the hormone.

I received my W-2 form today and am amazed. Matt and I are officially middle-class. That makes me extremely happy, but then I realize that middle-class people should have a real savings account. So, there's another goal for me to work towards!

I'm making lots of progress at work. I have a new manager who is really working with me on landing large orders. I love what I do. It's so, so, so nice to be able to say that and mean it!

I'm still digesting Crystal's pregnancy. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to reach out to her. Part of me wants to yell at her. Part of me wants to ignore her. But I don't want to do what I want to do. I want to do what God wants me to do. So, I'm listening for His voice. It always amuses me when God gives me answers to questions I never asked. Beyond all of this, He has something greater He is trying to teach me. Perhaps it's patience. I definitely need more of that. I haven't talked to anyone about this, and I don't want to. I need to hear directly from God. There are times when I need counsel, but right now, I can't afford to hear from anyone except Him. So, if you have any advice, wait until I ask for it. I'm sure I will soon. But for now, I need to sort all of this out on my own.